I had this ritual as a little girl, growing up in Oaxaca, Mexico that was very special to me. I remember it starting in preschool when I was around 4-5 years old. Every day I’d come home from school and retreat up to my parent’s bedroom. My parents worked all day and my three siblings, who are much older, weren’t at home either. So, I was alone in the house with a lady that took care of me during the day.

We lived in a really big house with lots of rooms. As soon as I arrived home, I would go up the stairs to the 2nd floor, and walk down this long hallway to the back of the house where my parents had their Master bedroom. It was a big room that had a king-sized bed covered with a dark blue satin bedspread, and a big TV. Because we lived in the south of Mexico, it was always very hot, so I’d sit on the left side of the bed where there was a big window that was open to let a breeze in.

Before I sat down, I’d shout out of the window, into the inside courtyard, to the lady who took care of me, and I’d ask her to bring me some chocolate milk. In the meantime, I’d turn on the TV to watch cartoons and sit waiting with my baby blanket. When the chocolate milk came, I’d take one corner of the blanket and dip it into the milk. I remember the blanket was very cushiony, and made of white cotton, which meant it absorbed the liquid really well.

But this wasn’t just any dipping - there was a process. I would let the blanket dry for days. It was a long, like week-long, process. What I liked, after weeks, was when the corner was saturated with the chocolate milk. You see, I’d sit on my parent’s bed watching cartoons with the corner of the blanket over my nose.

I loved that smell of chocolate milk dried, over days and weeks, over my nose as I was watching cartoons. That relaxed me the most. I spent a whole afternoon watching cartoons with this corner of my blanket under my nose. Of course, the smell would change over time. It would actually get better and better, more intense. It would absorb all of the chocolate milk smell. And I loved that. I didn’t like the smell when it was fresh chocolate. That was too normal. I liked it dark and rotten.

Since I was very alone - there was nobody in the house - I used to watch a lot of TV. I would watch Winnie the Pooh, Barney, The Little Mermaid cartoon, and The Muppets. The texture of the Muppet characters reminds me of the smell of the chocolate. Thinking of the Muppets makes the smell that much clearer. I think I really related that texture with watching that show and smelling my blanket.

It was a tragedy when they took my blanket to be washed. They didn’t understand that there was a whole process behind that blanket. For them it was just “oh, this blanket is obviously dirty.” Of course, my parents needed to wash it because it wasn’t very hygienic to keep it that way, but it was a tragedy for me. My mom would listen to me - she knew I liked it - she was wonderful. She’d try to balance my obsession with basic hygiene.

I remember I would come home from school and I’d see the blanket all washed and it was the worst day because I had to start the process all over again. The whole process of dipping, drying the corner, waiting for it to dry, then dipping it again another day, waiting for it to dry, and so on. I loved the texture of the blanket; because the milk was dried, it was a little stiff. It was crispy, crunchy, but not wet. I always smelled it when it was dry.

I spent a long time doing this. I don’t know how long exactly, but it was a long time. At least until I was probably 6 years old. I did it every day, always this same process.

The scent was divine. It was chocolate with milk, but imagine dry milk, so kind of rotten. It was sweet smelling. To me the smell transmitted something cozy, something warm. Now that I’m thinking about it, maybe it had to do with the milk of a mother. I know the first weeks of my life my mom couldn’t breastfeed me because I was put into an incubator for the first 2 weeks. Maybe that smell was a way to bring me closer to my mom.

Right now, the smell is very abstract in my mind, but what remains is the feeling. I can think of the chocolate milk, but what really sticks is the coziness of being protected.

These days I don’t drink much chocolate milk. But for some reason last night I got a craving to have a chocolate milkshake. And I got it at night. And I definitely felt this kid thing. This very safe feeling. It just happened. And I had it just before bed, so it was very much this same moment. It brought back the emotion.

If the scent had a sound, what would it be? Cartoons talking softly in the background. Calm, childish and melodic.

If the scent had a color, what would it be? Light brown.

If the scent had a texture, what would it be? Simple, worn cotton.

If the scent could give you advice, what would it tell you? It would say “You’re not alone.” Your family loves you and you will learn to love yourself. These are just situations where your family can’t be here, but they love you.”

I guess that smell was my way of taking care of myself. It was a way to feel protected and accompanied.